Saturday, August 27, 2011

At least it's not the most expensive thing he's ruined

It's been a while since I've written anything.  It's not because there has been a lack of material, but things are a little crazy around here (we sold our house, and are going to be homeless because we don't have a house to go to), and writing about the continual mud, soap and shaving cream just seemed trivial.  Over the past few days I've thought, "geez, I should post on the blog", but my brain just wasn't "there".  In hindsight, I should have written.  I think Aaron may read this blog, and was offended that I hadn't written anything for a while.  So he needed to get my attention.  He decided to go big or go home!
First of all. This couch isn't even a year old.  In fact, this couch is probably only 6 months old.  I tell you this to make you feel that much worse for me!  I'm no longer in the fetal position, hidden in my bathroom, so I'm able to share the latest story.  Here goes:

Aaron woke up before me.  I got up to let the dogs outside and saw something on the floor, but I didn't have my glasses on, so I just assumed they had ripped up another one of their toys.  Aaron was on the computer, so I climbed back into my bed and figured I'd just listen for trouble (tactical error--I KNOW).  A little while later I put my glasses on, walked into the living room to find Aaron sitting on the couch with a piece of couch foam in his hands and another piece in his mouth.  According to Husband I just said "no, no, no, no".  I just remember walking back to my bed and putting the covers over my head.  Then I remember thinking, "I can't believe this is happening, this isn't happening, I can't believe it" (notice a theme in my thoughts).  As if that was going to fix anything!  The next thing I thought was "Well, at least it's not the most expensive thing he's ruined.  It's definitely the biggest, but not the most expensive".  In a sick way that spin on the situation made it somewhat (barely) better.  Since I wasn't in the room when the mutilation occurred, this is how I am piecing the events together.

1.  Aaron smeared some sort of delicious food product on the couch.
2.  Lucy (the psychotic puppy) decided to eat that food product remnant, but couldn't get what had seeped into the couch fibers, so decided to eat part of the couch to make sure she got it all.
3.  Aaron saw his opportunity of the couch being ripped open, to grab the foam out of it and rip it up.  (I can say this is a plausible theory because Aaron likes to rip up foam--he did this to a previous couch, multiple memory foam pillows AND my king size memory foam mattress topper).

After laying in my bed in denial I decided to take a shower before I assessed the entirety of the situation.  Not only did I walk out to foam couch everywhere, there was also sugar and popsicle stickiness everywhere (no exaggeration).  I took pictures for prosperity, and decided to text them to a few lucky people (my brother responded that he would have killed them--which I don't think he really would have--I don't think), and then posted it on Facebook.  Those of you who commented on the picture, thank you.  It made me feel better.  :)  Especially when you say kind things about me!  I cleaned up all of the popsicle/sugar mess, and picked up all of the foam and put it in a bag in case I would need it later. I threw a towel over it and decided to go to the beach!  A blue-raspberry Red Bull and the beach would put me in public so the safety of my child would be secure. 
Eventually it was time to figure out how I was going to fix the couch.  One of the problems is that the cushion is sewed down, so I couldn't just flip it over.  Believe me, I thought of that!  My genius mother told me to sacrifice one of the couch pillows and make a patch.  Since we played at the beach all day and I was tired, I decided I would fix it the next day (which is today).  I kept the towel on the couch.  However, this morning when I got out of bed, Aaron had ripped more foam out of it.  Nice.  

Since we're planning on moving I had packed my sewing stuff up (of course) so I didn't have the tools to fix this disaster.  So this was my game plan.  I called my mom and asked her if she would come over later to help me fix the couch.  I needed scissors, upholstery needles and Fray Check from her (but what I really wanted was her mad sewing skills).  I measured the gaping hole in my couch and headed to the fabric store for a chunk of foam, batting and upholstery thread.  When I got to the cutting counter I told the lady that I needed some foam and of course she asked me all kinds of questions I couldn't answer.  I told her the approximate measurements that I needed, and of course they didn't make it that thick.  She was nice, but wasn't really all that helpful--until I showed her the picture of the couch on my cell phone and told her why I was there.  Then a light switched, and I got instant sympathy from her.  I think I put her life into perspective and gave her a good story for later too!  She decided to walk me back to the foam and we picked out what we thought would work.  She also asked if I had a 40% off coupon (which of course I didn't), and when I told her no, she found one for me!  She said that she didn't need to make my life more miserable by the exorbitant cost of this stupid foam.  I walked out of the store $13.62 poorer (but that's a lot cheaper than a new couch!)  It would be wrong of me to keep the instructions of how to fix a mutilated couch all to myself, so I'm going to share them with you.  Here is how to fix your couch step by step (note: allow 4.5 HOURS to complete this project):

1.  Call your mom, call her "mommy", and beg for help.  If you do not have a mommy or yours doesn't know how to sew, call my mommy.  Her number is you really think I'd share that information?  I need her to myself!  

2.  Gather your supplies: high density foam, hacksaw (to cut the foam), string, upholstery needles and thread, material, scissors and pliers.  

3.  Wait for your mommy to come over.

4.  Sit for a long time, stare blankly at the couch, and try to figure out how in the heck you are going to fix this.  Decide on a game plan.

5.  Take the rogue springs, tie them down with string, and shove them back into place you think they belong. (You really don't know where this is because the inside is so shredded up, so make your best guess).

6.  Measure, draw, cut the foam with a hacksaw that you stole borrowed from Husband's tools.

7.   Cram foam into gaping hole, adjust cuts as necessary, cram additional pieces in there to fill the gaps.  Realize it's never going to look the way it did, so settle for "good enough".

8.  Shove a layer of batting on top of the foam.  I really don't know why you do this.  It was like that on the rest of the cushion, so I decided it was necessary for some reason.  I didn't question it, and neither should you.

 9.  Whip-stitch the shredded remains of what was once a pretty, flawless couch.

 10.  Take your scissors to the pillow.  :(  Make sure you make your cuts correctly, you only have so many mistakes before you're really out of fabric (and luck).  This is one of the reasons I called my mom.  She's smart this way--she did all of the thinking, and I just did the labor.  I'm not gonna lie, it was a little sad cutting that pillow.

11.  Spend a bunch more time trying to figure out the best way to place and sew that piece of pillow onto the couch.

12.  Take a break to poison your body with a Big Mac and fries because your brain isn't working at this point.

13.  Meticulously sew your fabric piece onto the couch.  Make sure to not break the needle with the pliers (because it sucks if you do).  If you've lost all dignity, put on your dad's headlamp so you can see your stitches better.

14.  Stand back and enjoy your handiwork
 Not bad!  You can't even tell can you???  Oh wait, that's the wrong cushion.  (My dad told me to do that).  Here's the right one:

So at the end of the day, I'm out $13.62, 4 1/2 hours of my time, a trip to the fabric store (time & gas), a couch pillow, and a perfect looking cushion.  As I'm sitting here writing, I'm reminding myself: at least it's not the most expensive thing he's ruined.

1 comment:

  1. Danica, you are such a great writer, you had me laughing through this whole post...although very not funny, I know! But you just have a way with words. I cracked up at the part where you wrote, "A blue-raspberry Red Bull and the beach would put me in public so the safety of my child would be secure". :) But wow, I am amazed! The couch looks really great! I was wondering the whole time how you were going to fix it, and you and your mom are amazing! I hope the rest of your weekend is very boring and uneventful for you. :)